We live in a culture where judgment is everywhere. It's one of the things we humans unfortunately do.
But when you turn that judgment onto yourself, it can make your life a lot more complicated than it needs to be.
The negative self-talk that seems innocuous to you because it's become a habit is something you might want to take a look into changing for yourself.
Things like:
I should take better care of myself.
I should be thinner.
I should do the laundry.
I should be a better wife, Mom, daughter, etc.
I should have a better job.
I should get that promotion.
"Shoulding" ourselves is so prevalent and even normalized in how many of us speak to and about ourselves.
So why do we do this to ourselves?
If, as a child, you never seemed to get the approval you desired from your parents and caretakers, you probably adopted that way of thinking as a way to pre-empt criticism by criticizing yourself first.
Unfortunately, this can also lead to thinking that you need to be perfect in order to gain love and appreciation.
Self-criticism is a lack of kindness and compassion towards yourself.
The other problem with self-criticism is that it doesn't lead to progress.
It usually hinders goal attainment.
So how can you silence the inner bully?
The next time you hear the word should in your head or coming out of your mouth, notice it.
Awareness of your thoughts is vital.
I like to do something called a thought download, and all it takes is 5 minutes to write your thoughts down on a piece of paper.
Getting thoughts out of your brain and onto paper not only allows you to look at them, but it frees up space in your brain.
Writing your thoughts down on paper literally forces you to slow down because we think a lot more quickly than we write.
I can't tell you how many times I have written thoughts down and looked them at in bewilderment because I couldn't believe what was coming out of my brain!
Reframe the should.
Ask yourself, should you or do you want to? Wanting to do something feels so much better, doesn’t it?
If the answer is a no, then realize that the "should" is not serving you and you might be in bully mode.
Practice kindness and compassion with yourself.
Talk to yourself the way you would to a loved one.
If you wouldn't tell someone they're stupid or ugly, don't say it to yourself. Seriously!
Reframe mistakes.
Mistakes are unavoidable and often necessary when learning something new.
It's like a baby learning to walk for the first time. How many times did that child eat the carpet before they learned to walk? Think about it!
Failure teaches you what didn't work so that you don't repeat it. It's just information, and everything else is mind drama.
Patience.
Finally, be patient with yourself.
Negative behavior patterns take time to unwind and usually aren't something you can fix overnight.
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